Enter the Dragon

There was a time when the Eastern Bogan ruled the roads. Not to be confused with its not-so-distant cousin the Northen Spotted Bogan, the eastern bogan is unfortunately in decline. Ecologists cite the usual reasons for depopulation; political climate change, habitat encroachment, re-forrestation etc., etc. Yet typical of so much science, all these apparently scientific explanations fail to satisfy our anthropomorphic sensibilities. They fail to harmonise with our deep seated inclination to see the social side of species reduction and the decreasing biodiversity of our human landscape.

However, please don't misinterpret. The Eastern Bogan was hardly a benign creature and some, unnamed, ecologists remain convinced of the correlation between crime rates and sales of woolly moccaisins. Nonetheless, modern, legitimate research is focusing unnecessarily on ugg boot sales and their distant transmogrification from the old fasioned moccaisins. The aforementioned, publically silent, researchers have informed the author of conspiracies to silence work into correlating such social indicators with Hawthorn memberships and mega-death black t-shirt sales but these reports are unsubstantiated and only given under the journalist's pledge of annonymity.

Opinion is not divided on the salient fact of the matter. The Eastern Bogan is in rapid decline. And this, in times when the Northern Spotted Bogan has held steady and moreover, early data suggests that the Western Horned Bogan is indeed breeding freely. So are social factors leading to the extinction of a once proud Bogan species, or are we all secretly happy to see fewer men with long hair, oversized anthrax t-shirts and no teeth?

The author's firm opinion is that so called professional researchers have failed to see one simple but possibly critical development in Bogan taxonomy. The emergence of a new sub-species. Enter, Boganus Cycloptus, referred to by amateur observers as the Inner Cycled Bogan. This fascinating species has come to the attention of many eager Bogan watchers who lament their professional counterparts lack of interest. The Inner Cycled Bogan, or just Cycled Bogan, is quite possibly a bizzare cross-breed. However, it has developed a unique adaptation (and obsession) of the two-wheeled, pedal-powered kind. Observers suggest that their secret presence for some time now has even led to sub-sub-species, differentiated by some member's apparent inability to use geared bikes, ride up hills or subsist without resorting to strange mating rituals such as bike-polo and riding bikes indoors.

Such apparent differentiation is a myth. The above characteristics are the archetype for the Inner Cycled Bogan. This species was the latest to emerge as genetically distinct but should not be confused with the more benign Outer Cycled Bogan, who's propensity to ride enormous distances uphill prevents interbreeding with the Inner Cycled Bogans who simply cannot keep up and must stop frequently for coffee and cigarettes. There are other factors which cause little interaction between these two species, two of which being the Outer Cycled Bogan's mysterious gear-tuning rituals and lycra-wearing habits.

Furthermore it is this author's humble assertion that the Inner Cycled Bogan is genetically more distinct from the Outer Cycled Bogan, than it is from the once dominant Eastern Bogan. Indeed it is hypothesized that the relation between Inner Cycled and Eastern species is not accidental.

For there remains the obvious genetic evidence of interbreeding between Eastern Bogans and the new Inner Cylced Bogan: Namely the prevalence of wayward "tight genes" amongst their populations. Some say this is natures way of keeping the Eastern Bogan alive, albeit in a modern incarnation, others hypothesize that such interbreeding is simply due to mistaken identity. What happens when courtship rituals are forced into overlapping habitats due to clear felling in the live music industry. Either way, opinion is undivided regarding the result of such interbreeding. For evidence of the poor reproductive fitness of "tight genes" readers are referred to Tight Beans? Bad Genes! (Szczepanik 2009).

In addition, there is growing evidence of particularly poor relations between Eastern Bogans and Outer Cycled Bogans. Again, ecologists are correct to point out the obvious factor of habitat encroachment: The simple fact that the once proud rulers of eastern roads are now forced to give way to the more agile, fitter, Outer Cycled Bogan. Roads and cars being so integral to the Eastern Bogan's mating habits, the effect of this clash needs little elaboration.

So let us keep our perspective intact. The Eastern Bogan may be in decline yet it's genes live on, with a new and successful adaptation. The various Cylced Bogans are now well established and by all accounts will continue to carve out their part of the genetic code. These Bogans are here to stay. They are loud, proud and their entrance into the dragon like bogan underworld is becoming fully accepted.

Future research is focusing, naturally, on interactions with the Spotted Northern and Western Horned Bogans. This is proving to be a rich field of interest.